Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Been struggling for a long time now. Emotionally I am bankrupt. I have nothing left in the tank. Nothing for me or for anyone else.

Problem for me right now is I know this feeling does not last forever. I know better days are ahead. Yet, I feel so depressed and just want to give up and give in.

I am at battle with myself.

I have been down this path before in my life a few times unfortunately. I have always managed to come out the other side better, stronger and ready to move on again.

Yet, this time is a bit different, or could it just be my perception because I am in the deep of the darkness. Of this I do not know.

I feel it that trudging on is futile, that I may get through it but then what , face it again another day and feel all this dispair and sadness over and over and over. Or give up and give in and find some peace.

I am torn as I am not a selfish person, I have always strived to put everyone before myself and then again wonder why. As I never seem to feel anyone every puts my needs or feelings first and there comes a time I wish I could see that.

If I ever felt important enough to others that they would care about me and my feelings then I know I would not be where I am today. Feeling like my life does not matter, feeling like what is the point of going one more day.

Oh, don't get me wrong I realize that it would affect others, but it's how it would affect them that bothers me. It would affect them because I am no longer there for them. I am no longer there to help them with the things they need. To be their supporter, encourager, etc. But yet, it makes me so empty to realize and I do believe that not being there because I , ME , the person, is not there would be a void quickly replaced by something or someone else.

I do not feel valued as an individual, a person with meaning and a reason for being here.

I feel like I am just existing, fulfilling a role in other peoples life of their needs, and what gets them through their days in their life. But I do not feel that my life , my needs, my wants, anything I care about for myself does not matter to anyone.

Me, as a person , does not matter. Me as a being who was born in this world just as they were, have no value.

If I were gone , would they be sad ? yes, for sure , because something they need is gone. But not because I as a person is gone.

I believe I am replacable.

Would I miss being here, OH yes, there are things I would like to see of the future and of people I care about and love and how their lives would go, and would want to be here to be part of it. But I do not feel it would matter if I were not here to see it. But the way I feel right now I just don't know about fighting through anymore to get to good. All I have right now is sadness and hurt and pain and exhaustion.

I sit and think of relationships in my life, and feel the only person that values them is me. The only person who reaches out is me.

I mean , look at me I have been down and depressed for weeks now and does any one care ? NO. Does anyone make an effort to talk to me or let me talk to them about how I feel or why I feel the way I do ? NO.
It is always me asking them how they are , how they feel, what I can do, or what I shouldn't do to make their life happy.

But no one ever seems to think how I might be feeling, or what I might need or want or think about or care about in my days.

No one cares if I am lonely, sad, frightened, upset, angry, depressed. NO one cares.


WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Hey - I care! and your comment on my blog made me feel better about my blip blip blippiness of a downer day/week.

I came out of a week long hospital stay around the 4th of July and had the same feelings you are expressing here. Things got better.

You DO matter! Seek emergency help if you get too down, or talk to your health care provider or a hotline.

DisneyEveryJuly said...

Please get some help if you haven't. There is no shame in reaching out for help when you need it.
I've been where you are before and I can tell you I'm glad I've gotten the help I needed. Life right now still isn't easy but it is worth fighting for.
We all have challenges. Sometimes it seems like some of us have more than others and that isn't fair but I promise you we're never alone.
Find help because once you get past this current crisis you'll be glad you did.

Just Me said...

Thanks everyone...

I do understand that if I get worse I need to make a decision. In my head I know that this would mean for me to seek out medical intervention.

The problem is that even though I know that is the "right" thing to do..it will not solve my problems..I even feel it will just worsen them as then the people in my life will now view me in an even more worthless, unimportant view.

Or worse add on some guilt of how I have gone and brought attention to my problems.

I have been down this path before in my life years ago. I was very much in suicide mode. It was all I thought of and I would have vivid imagery of what I would do.

I did seek medical intervention and I did get help in the form of anti-depressents.

Which was life saving but I didn't receive support or understanding or anything like this from family or friends.

I want support from them. So what difference will it make if I take the drugs I am still going to have many of the same feelings. Nothing in how I feel is going to change except perhaps the actual thoughts of ending life.

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

How you feel may not change, but how you handle your family's indifference may change, how you decide what you value may change, how others treat you may change, how you spend your time as you devote more time to your own care and less to others may change.

Sometimes it is just squinching up your minds eye in the right direction and really really seeing life can be different. And sometimes you need help with that. I sought counseling when I was diagnosed with cancer and very depressed. The counselor taught me better ways to PLAN for bad times, that I just didn't have to let life wash over me like a toilet being flushed!!!

I believe we are all put on this world together to work together to make this place better. Even if you work to make your corner of the world a better place, you make it better for all of us.

my personal email is winnyninnypoopoo@yahoo.com

sometimes a person just needs to VENT!!! But sometimes medication helps with chemical imbalances! And sometimes a stay in a hospital bed is like a mini spa vacation, complete with scenic walks up and down hallways and exotic foods like steamed liver and noodles.

Please take care Just Me, because you just like all of us out here trying to get by the best we can.