Wednesday, October 27, 2010

something I have to forgive someone else for ..............

There have been some very bad things happen to me in my life, disgusting, cruel, torturous things and those that have done them to me I shall never forgive them for. They will receive their punishment for the things they did. ( nuff said on that).

But someone I can forgive and should forgive, would be my birth mother. She was young when I was born. Not the most educated girl in the world. I know it was not her intention to give me up for adoption. She found herself without her boyfriend at the time and had just had another baby that her boyfriend did not believe was his, and they had broken up.

Being left with 2 small children literally 11 months apart in age. She looked into the adoption option. She was only suppose to be giving up the newborn according to the stories I have been told by her and by the birth father. I guess, once she was there, the workers had her convinced that a young girl would be best to let both babies go and get on with her life and give them a good home.

One would think I would I feel I need to forgive her for doing what she obviously thought was right at the time? Well, she did not know I would go to a home where there would be horrible abuse all the time. So , no that is not her fault.

I came to learn however, that she gave up two babies to give them a better life and to be able to move on with hers , only to turn around and literally get pregnant almost immediately again.

That has always been a very hard pill for me to swallow. I was just days after my first birthday she gave me away. Instead of just keeping me you turn around and get pregnant again and have another girl who you kept!!!

I have been angry at her selfishness for a long time, I have been upset with her disregard for her babies she gave up. I never had the heart or inclination to let her know what horrible life her choice back then put me in. I am not going to let myself be a cruel person to her because people were cruel to me.

But I need to forgive her because she was only young, and she would never have known such things could happen. And no she shouldn't have turned around and gotten pregnant again but she was a person too and probably hurting and missing her babies and it was just what happened.

Life is hard, her life has been hard my life has been hard. Yes, I was hurt and lost a lot because of her choices but she missed out on a lot too even if she doesn't care or doesn't realize it.

I need to forgive her for the choices she made.
I need to remember she made the best choices she could with what she knew and who she was.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

something I hate about myself....

Well, after giving some deep thought about this one.

I hate that I never stood up for myself in my life, said what I needed to say. I hate that I wouldn't or couldn't do that for myself for my life may have been easier in the long run. I hate that I was more worried of how things might affect other people than how it could have helped me. I hate that I was so meek and afraid and controlled to find my voice and save myself.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Been struggling for a long time now. Emotionally I am bankrupt. I have nothing left in the tank. Nothing for me or for anyone else.

Problem for me right now is I know this feeling does not last forever. I know better days are ahead. Yet, I feel so depressed and just want to give up and give in.

I am at battle with myself.

I have been down this path before in my life a few times unfortunately. I have always managed to come out the other side better, stronger and ready to move on again.

Yet, this time is a bit different, or could it just be my perception because I am in the deep of the darkness. Of this I do not know.

I feel it that trudging on is futile, that I may get through it but then what , face it again another day and feel all this dispair and sadness over and over and over. Or give up and give in and find some peace.

I am torn as I am not a selfish person, I have always strived to put everyone before myself and then again wonder why. As I never seem to feel anyone every puts my needs or feelings first and there comes a time I wish I could see that.

If I ever felt important enough to others that they would care about me and my feelings then I know I would not be where I am today. Feeling like my life does not matter, feeling like what is the point of going one more day.

Oh, don't get me wrong I realize that it would affect others, but it's how it would affect them that bothers me. It would affect them because I am no longer there for them. I am no longer there to help them with the things they need. To be their supporter, encourager, etc. But yet, it makes me so empty to realize and I do believe that not being there because I , ME , the person, is not there would be a void quickly replaced by something or someone else.

I do not feel valued as an individual, a person with meaning and a reason for being here.

I feel like I am just existing, fulfilling a role in other peoples life of their needs, and what gets them through their days in their life. But I do not feel that my life , my needs, my wants, anything I care about for myself does not matter to anyone.

Me, as a person , does not matter. Me as a being who was born in this world just as they were, have no value.

If I were gone , would they be sad ? yes, for sure , because something they need is gone. But not because I as a person is gone.

I believe I am replacable.

Would I miss being here, OH yes, there are things I would like to see of the future and of people I care about and love and how their lives would go, and would want to be here to be part of it. But I do not feel it would matter if I were not here to see it. But the way I feel right now I just don't know about fighting through anymore to get to good. All I have right now is sadness and hurt and pain and exhaustion.

I sit and think of relationships in my life, and feel the only person that values them is me. The only person who reaches out is me.

I mean , look at me I have been down and depressed for weeks now and does any one care ? NO. Does anyone make an effort to talk to me or let me talk to them about how I feel or why I feel the way I do ? NO.
It is always me asking them how they are , how they feel, what I can do, or what I shouldn't do to make their life happy.

But no one ever seems to think how I might be feeling, or what I might need or want or think about or care about in my days.

No one cares if I am lonely, sad, frightened, upset, angry, depressed. NO one cares.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Sometimes I feel I just need a place where I can sit and pour my thoughts out and not worry about if it makes sense to anyone else or not. Just to let them out so they aren't stuck inside me. It is what I hope to do here. It is probably a lot cheaper than therapy :)