Been struggling for a long time now. Emotionally I am bankrupt. I have nothing left in the tank. Nothing for me or for anyone else.
Problem for me right now is I know this feeling does not last forever. I know better days are ahead. Yet, I feel so depressed and just want to give up and give in.
I am at battle with myself.
I have been down this path before in my life a few times unfortunately. I have always managed to come out the other side better, stronger and ready to move on again.
Yet, this time is a bit different, or could it just be my perception because I am in the deep of the darkness. Of this I do not know.
I feel it that trudging on is futile, that I may get through it but then what , face it again another day and feel all this dispair and sadness over and over and over. Or give up and give in and find some peace.
I am torn as I am not a selfish person, I have always strived to put everyone before myself and then again wonder why. As I never seem to feel anyone every puts my needs or feelings first and there comes a time I wish I could see that.
If I ever felt important enough to others that they would care about me and my feelings then I know I would not be where I am today. Feeling like my life does not matter, feeling like what is the point of going one more day.
Oh, don't get me wrong I realize that it would affect others, but it's how it would affect them that bothers me. It would affect them because I am no longer there for them. I am no longer there to help them with the things they need. To be their supporter, encourager, etc. But yet, it makes me so empty to realize and I do believe that not being there because I , ME , the person, is not there would be a void quickly replaced by something or someone else.
I do not feel valued as an individual, a person with meaning and a reason for being here.
I feel like I am just existing, fulfilling a role in other peoples life of their needs, and what gets them through their days in their life. But I do not feel that my life , my needs, my wants, anything I care about for myself does not matter to anyone.
Me, as a person , does not matter. Me as a being who was born in this world just as they were, have no value.
If I were gone , would they be sad ? yes, for sure , because something they need is gone. But not because I as a person is gone.
I believe I am replacable.
Would I miss being here, OH yes, there are things I would like to see of the future and of people I care about and love and how their lives would go, and would want to be here to be part of it. But I do not feel it would matter if I were not here to see it. But the way I feel right now I just don't know about fighting through anymore to get to good. All I have right now is sadness and hurt and pain and exhaustion.
I sit and think of relationships in my life, and feel the only person that values them is me. The only person who reaches out is me.
I mean , look at me I have been down and depressed for weeks now and does any one care ? NO. Does anyone make an effort to talk to me or let me talk to them about how I feel or why I feel the way I do ? NO.
It is always me asking them how they are , how they feel, what I can do, or what I shouldn't do to make their life happy.
But no one ever seems to think how I might be feeling, or what I might need or want or think about or care about in my days.
No one cares if I am lonely, sad, frightened, upset, angry, depressed. NO one cares.